How can we help our bullying child?

We often hear about bullying in school. We no longer count the resources available to young people and their parents in the event of physical, verbal, or psychological aggression, but what to do when YOUR child is the bully?

Like every parent to whom this has happened, if you ever get a call or a note from your child’s school accusing them of bullying, you are likely to feel uncomfortable, incompetent, and angry, even deeply overwhelmed and sad … All these emotions are normal, but once the surprise of seeing your “perfect” child fall from his pedestal, it is necessary to take measures to settle (once and for all ) this issue. It can be long … but here are some ideas to guide you.

Am I a bad parent?

If a teacher, another student’s parent, or a child tells you that your child is aggressive towards others, there are usually two possible reactions …

Deny or minimize

Either you will feel deeply angry and skeptical, and you will try to deny the facts or to minimize them: “it was just a game, he or she did not want to hurt, these are children’s stories, etc. “

To feel guilty

The second possibility is to feel helpless, overwhelmed, and profoundly incompetent. “How could I have created a child who bullies others, what is my mistake, it’s probably my fault, etc.”

Take stock

In these two cases, it is advisable to put aside the emotions (even if this is not easy) and calm the situation. First and foremost, do not speak out against the school or the parent who is informing you. Ask for clarification, find out what others have to say before you even broach the subject with your child. You must be perfectly “enlightened” before taking a stand.

Above all, don’t blame yourself. As we will see below, your child’s action is often the rational result of household issues, but this is not always the case. Please do not feel guilty … It would prevent you from looking for effective solutions to permanently solve the problem.

What exactly is bullying?

It can take many forms. Even if certain behaviors seem innocuous at first glance, they should not be neglected because they could lead in the future to a more worrying behavior. Here are some of the most common examples:

• Constant and recurring mockery or insults.
• Voluntary exclusion of a peer.
• Use of degrading nicknames.
• Creating nasty rumors about other kids.
• Physical violence: pushing, hitting, pulling hair.
• Racketeering: forcibly obtaining something that belongs to another child (money, toys, food).
• Verbal violence.
• Cyberbullying.
• Repetitive phone calls (name-calling, teasing, etc.)

Why does one child bully another?

It is impossible to find a unique and magical answer to this question. A large number of factors can be taken into account … However, several possible answers could explain why a child develops aggressive behavior towards others:

• He has a deep sense of insecurity.
• He is complexed by his body, his athletic or academic abilities.
• He has no or few friends.
• He has been bullied himself in the past.
• Aggressive behavior at home is common (between parents, siblings, etc.).
• Little control over the shows he watches (e.g., a young child who is “bathed” in violent movies and video games will interpret this as a “normal” way of communicating).
• Lack of parental supervision at home.
• “Military” discipline in his family environment.
• Etc.

As you can see, there are probably as many reasons for a child to bully others as there are children themselves … It is all about the environment, perception, and circumstances. It may seem daunting, but remember that you are the person who knows your child the best, and therefore you can uncover the underlying reasons for their behavior. It may sometimes be necessary to seek outside help (child psychologist, teachers, etc.)

How to talk to the child?

As you would expect, once your child’s behavior problem comes to light, You can do all you can to stop it. For this, communication is still the best way. Past the guilt, anger, and punishment (often necessary), it will be necessary to approach the subject openly to understand what is going on “in his head.” “Indeed, it is often difficult to make a child speak who does not wish it, but you must be insistent while remaining diplomatic … You would not want all the same” to punish him To be a bully by intimidating him … Here are some topics/questions to address:

• Ask him how he would feel if this was done to him.
• Tell him to apologize for such and such thing (face to face or in writing) …
• Come back to the subject often.
• Ask him to tell you in detail about his days at school when he returns: he may be reluctant, but let him know that this is one of his behavior consequences.
• Establish clear rules and consequences if they are not respected (in the case of recidivism, disrespect, disobedience, etc.).
• If the behavior does not stop, call in a third party (specialist staff at the school, psychologist).
• Be yourself a model of gentleness, empathy, and respect for those around you.
• Use positive reinforcement and note any changes in her attitude to encourage her to continue.
• Find books on the subject and read them together (there are some for young children).
• If you’re watching a movie in which a character is being assaulted or bullied, jump at the chance and (again!) Engage in the discussion about the person’s feelings and emotions.
• Try to create a relationship based on trust between you and your child so that they can become comfortable and tell you their problems rather than “let off steam” on others.

In conclusion…

Parenting is a full-time job. We still wish for the best of things, yet we still wonder if our children’s values and how we teach them. One certain thing is that it is often necessary to question ourselves and review our methods. When we are faced with a child who bullies others, perhaps all of our beliefs about education will be “turned upside down.”

This is unsettling at the time, but the outcome is often positive. The behavior of this kind is only a warning signal sent by your child, even if he is not himself aware of it.

Take the situation to heart and give yourself the means to resolve it by looking for the problem’s roots. Then be patient but firm and loving. Your child must always be convinced of your love for him, even when you hate his actions.

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